I fell thrice within the final month, however I’m not damaged. I’ve complications now, are the 2 associated? Perhaps, perhaps not. Nobody can say for certain. So many wrongs are overlapping on the similar time and I do not know what preceded what, what prompted what, and what are merely coincidences. All of this makes me wish to curl up in a ball and throw the covers over my head.
HOWEVER, for the primary time I noticed via this hazy state of managing my ache when my new ache psychologist mentioned: “There’s extra that’s proper in your physique than improper.”
There’s extra proper in my physique than improper.
I don’t have lively most cancers proper now, I’ve ache.
There’s extra proper in my physique than improper.
You’ll discover that I take advantage of repetition quite a bit in these posts, certain it’s for emphasis, however it’s additionally so I can get the phrases via my thick cranium. I’ve been repeating her phrases in my head to myself for days now. I can scarcely imagine them. There’s extra going proper in my physique than improper. In response to my newest mind MRI, I’m secure. I’m nonetheless ready on a Guardant Reveal blood check and a PET Scan to inform me if I’ve been in remission for a 12 months now… however I feel I nonetheless am???? (BTW, I’m VERY EXCITED for the Guardant Reveal check. It is going to be my first one and it detects most cancers cells smaller than a PET scan can, which is nice….so in essence, I feel any more I can get the blood check, and if there’s most cancers, then get the PET to inform us the place it’s.)
Different clever knowledge from my ache psychologist contains studying that I’m in all probability overlaying my emotional trauma on prime of my bodily trauma, which might clarify quite a bit. After all the most cancers prognosis was traumatizing. After all ending up in a wheelchair after not dying was traumatizing. However so was watching my mother and father cope with a stroke, long-term care points, late stage Alzheimer’s, their solely daughter getting stage-4 most cancers, after which my father’s demise.
Is the ache in my mind? Most of it began escalating on the one-year anniversary of my prognosis, which can be the anniversary of all of the above.
I DO really feel extra sturdy. I do really feel like I might be turning some type of web page in my well being journey…The truth that I fell thrice within the final month undoubtedly helps reinforce that concept. I fell to the bottom thrice and stood again up once more. However, I really feel like a toddler, studying to stroll once more. I’m wobbly. I’m not fairly certain how you can stability on this new world, undecided the place the stability is. (Granted, a lot of the falls have additionally accompanied the rise in dosage of one in all my ache meds, which…await it…causes stability points)
However I get stronger. I see that now – that I wanted a 12 months in remission for my physique to do what it does finest: heal. In a lot of the final 12 months I wanted to get out of the way in which of my physique’s capability to get stronger and keep away from fall dangers. I wanted to behave as if I’m fragile. I wanted to think about strolling once more like I used to be a bull in a china store (I’m each the bull and the china on this state of affairs.)
I can’t fairly begin bashing my means via the comb like I used to, however I can attempt to transfer in a extra deliberate means within the normal course of my former actions. And that’s promising!
There’s extra proper in my physique than improper.
I’m voicing these weblog posts over on my substack now…if you wish to hear me studying these, head on over and provides them a pay attention…I’ll be recording extra of my previous posts in due time.
