I’ve some scans subsequent week, the primary scans since early February, proper when my chemo began.
To say I’m nervous can be downplaying the swing of feelings I’ve been experiencing.
I am going from: “I really feel so significantly better, I guess that is all below management…the 27 mind tumors, the tumors on my ribs and neck and backbone, oh yeah, and the one in my lung, they’re all below management and I can go into upkeep mode beginning subsequent week with none additional chemo or radiation. Wooo! I’m excited to seek out out!”
To: “My ribs nonetheless really feel sore and so do my neck and shoulders, what if there are new tumors on my shoulders and those on my ribs grew. Oh, I’m going to be in chemo without end, I’m scared!”
There are such a lot of issues I’ve been ready to plan till I get these scans—the following few months on the very least. Will I get to go to my mother and father and go on a trip with Kirk? Will I’ve a while to breathe and get my power again? Will my physique get better sufficient for me to start out doing a little longer day hikes? Will I be capable of spend massive chunks of time exterior tenting and adventuring?
I can’t do any of issues issues till I get these scans performed and meet with my oncologist subsequent week. 😬
Ahhhhhh!
However the excellent news? I didn’t get sick in Wisconsin…not less than but. The paths convention had about 800 folks there from all elements of the nation and internationally….and we didn’t even have our federal company companions there (an excessive amount of chaos…folks have jobs, they don’t. They’ve a price range, however not for journey. Ooops they misplaced their jobs once more. All of that is crippling the very folks we have to deal with our public lands. 😭)
I wore a masks more often than not, however it’s nonetheless great that I got here dwelling with out a sore throat or a chilly. My immune system should nonetheless be placing up struggle!
Upkeep mode of most cancers looks like a swan tune to me. To go months between scans, months of residing a life. However that’s when I’ll must be most diligent…to eat clear, to train, to be postive, to plan for the long run. That’s once I have to preserve the most cancers at bay…but I do know it’s not a mirrored image of my goodness, my potential to do the appropriate factor to stop the most cancers from rising…nevertheless it does really feel that means. I’m good if my most cancers doesn’t develop. I’m dangerous if it does. It doesn’t work that means, does it?
Have you ever been following Suleika Jaouad? Ever since I learn Between Two Kingdoms, I’ve been conserving tabs on her. She has a brand new e book out and a giant enormous e book tour, however her most cancers got here again proper as she was preparing for some of the thrilling instances. It could occur to all of us at any time. It’s sobering and scary. BUT, try her new e book: The E-book of Alchemy…my copy must be getting right here any day.
The yard is exploding in flowers…and weeds. I’ve been eager to attempt to weed, however getting on my knees and digging within the filth looks like a difficult prospect. I talked to my PT about it yesterday, and she or he steered small spurts of labor… bite-sized chunks of yard work and gave me a number of poses to check out to stop instant fatigue, and I’m nonetheless nervous about it. I’m additionally eager about attempting a mild aerobics session within the pool on the senior middle, however she additionally cautioned me that these seniors might be deceptively robust…and to attempt to not sustain with them. It’s simply so loopy to me. A 12 months in the past I used to be so robust and match…and now I must be cautious of my power when weeding. It’s simply not honest.
Kirk and I simply completed watching the brand new TV present Darkish Matter (I really like Jennifer Connelly BTW, ever since I might binge watch Labyrinth as a child, she has been one in all my favorites…David Bowie too! I do know all of the lyrics to the songs in that film. David Bowie…swooon) The premise is all about a number of universes…an infinite variety of universes and for each selections or inflection level in our lives, there’s a spinnoff of one other life lived by one other model of you with completely different outcomes. (It’s like one other TV present I appreciated, Fringe). And I feel, there may be one other Renee on the market who doesn’t have most cancers. There’s a Renee whose most cancers is extra superior, who already didn’t make it, who discovered it early, who doesn’t even wish to hike…It’s infinite and mind-bending to consider. However I can’t go there, I do know I shouldn’t go there, to consider me in a special context…I imply, what does it assist the truth of now? To suppose what if we had discovered it early, and I recovered with out it haunting me the remainder of my life? To suppose what if I by no means received it within the first place, and I used to be planning a thru-hike of the Theodore Solomons Path this summer time? Nope…not going there.
As a substitute, I take into consideration what I’d do if my scans subsequent week go effectively. The journeys I’ll take, the reduction I’ll really feel.
And I take into consideration weeding.
Bear in mind to let me know if you wish to come to my birthday celebration on June 8 in Corvallis Oregon!
For more information on my most cancers and methods to assist out try my Go Fund Me and my meal practice or ship me some mail! 20 NW Hixon Ave., Bend OR 97703.
