At occasions I overlook that I’m not the middle of the universe.
I went to see my oncologist a number of weeks in the past, a part of my routine three-month scan and blood check check-in, and welcomed the information that I used to be nonetheless cancer-free. Whew. However after we began discussing my ongoing ache struggles, I sadly defined that I had put a number of hope right into a nerve-block process to boring or get rid of mentioned ache, to no consequence.
Nicely, she took motion! She ordered a rush neck MRI, and that very same week I went into the click and whirring tube, glad to be there once more. I used to be extremely grateful for her sense of urgency in serving to me discover a resolution: perhaps it was the return of my most cancers that different assessments hadn’t picked up? Perhaps it was time to get extra radiation on my backbone? Perhaps one other surgical procedure may assist? I had an appointment to see the neuro surgeon shortly after the brand new MRI, so I reveled within the thought that solutions can be coming. There could be a method out. There could be an answer.
I had hope once more.
Be aware: previous to the oncology appointment and after my final weblog put up, I visited my non-surgical backbone specialist who had given me the (failed) nerve block, solely to listen to him say there have been no different interventions he may strive. In his opinion, one other spinal fusion was the subsequent step.
I visited a number of of my different practitioners, and though they aren’t surgeons, they’ve been on this spinal harm journey with me lengthy sufficient to additionally chime in: their interventions may solely go thus far. Therapeutic massage, acupuncture, Feldenkrais, and PT all helped me take care of the ache and get some mobility again, however they didn’t handle the basis reason for it: my broken C7, T1, and T3. In addition they mused that surgical procedure might be my finest wager.
Okay! I’m prepared. Lets get some surgical procedure! I’d clear my summer time, I’d make room for months in a neck brace once more, I used to be prepared for the immobility if it meant I may transfer ahead as soon as extra.
Then the neuro surgeon appointment was rescheduled. To June. A full month after I anticipated to get some solutions, and a few motion.
I used to be indignant. I used to be indignant.
Over the subsequent few hours, my feelings oscillated from:
Anger: My oncologist needed this completed asap!
Victimization: Doesn’t he know I’m in ache!
Justification: I’ve been on this state of uncertainty for months now!
Rationalization: Perhaps he had a extra important surgical case, and that’s why I bought bumped?
Acceptance: Okay, perhaps I’m not crucial affected person, particularly as my ache is managed by meds now.
Unhappiness: Perhaps I’ll really feel like this perpetually.
Redirection: Take into consideration anything. Dance within the kitchen. Take into consideration the beginning of your PCT thru-hike 20 years in the past this week.
Reminiscing: The PCT was one of the highly effective experiences of my life. The 2006 thru-hikers are having a 20-year reunion at PCT Days this August! I like these hikers.
Imagining: I need to hike the PCT once more. I’ll hike the PCT once more.
Resolve: I’ll advocate for my wants and needs. I’ll impart to that surgeon {that a} high quality of life is all the things to me now.
I’m making an attempt to be an grownup and regulate my feelings, but it surely’s laborious!!!
I made a listing of all of the issues I would love to have the ability to do once more, , to assist with the resolve half:
Get up with out ache
Drink a glass of wine (alcohol is a no-no now that I’m on the next dose of gabapentin)
Drive on a gravel street
Trip a motorcycle
Follow yoga
Paddle on a lake
Through-hike!
I desire a high quality of life. Am I grasping for desirous to do extra? After all, I’m grateful to be alive and strolling, however can I’ve extra? Docs have steered that extra is a risk, so now I need it. I need it ferociously.
Then the outcomes from the MRI got here in: nothing had modified from the January scan.
A part of me was upset. A trigger for my elevated ache wasn’t displaying up. It was actual, proper? I made a decision to check it and delayed my subsequent set of ache meds, and poof! There it’s once more. Sure, the ache is actual. (Be aware: the MRI continues to be dangerous, the January one confirmed an entire mess in there).
It turned clear to me that I would want to persuade the surgeon (who mentioned all the things was secure in January – that my harm is a secure harm) that I wanted surgical procedure. That I couldn’t operate correctly. That I used to be already dwelling like I had a spinal fusion, and actually I’d be capable of do extra with one other fusion. Please function on me!
So I’m left in a grey fog of uncertainty once more till June, however I’m nonetheless having some good occasions. These moments of sunshine are worthy of some point out right here, too!
Kirk and I spent eight days on the John Day River with our buddy Lorraine a pair weeks in the past. We had fantastic climate with simply in the future of rain on our layover day. I wore my neck brace most days within the boat as a result of I couldn’t assist however crane my neck in each path to have a look at the superb geology and plentiful big-horned sheep we noticed alongside the best way:
After which I took a enjoyable fast go to to see my Aunt Barbara in San Francisco final week. We took a ship tour beneath the Golden Gate Bridge, ate Ghirardelli sundaes, walked across the lovely Stanford campus, watercolored within the park, and smelled the roses:
And I carry on.
