“Leap and the online will seem.” I discovered myself saying to Bumblefoot, a 33-year-old PCT hiker from Canada who sat throughout from me at breakfast in Costa Rica this morning. The actual fact of a dialog that veered in the direction of the existential angst of dwelling in a world of infinite selection, potentialities, and uncertainty was a gorgeous factor. That we have been each PCT thru-hikers? Thoughts-blowing.
My sojourn on this Central American nation is coming to an finish quickly, and it’s been a beautiful funding in time, vitality, and cash…regardless of needing to pop frequent ache drugs and put on my neck brace now and again.
As most of you already know, I’m working underneath the “retire as I am going” life plan, as I’ve achieved most of my life. This journey to Costa Rica matches proper into that philosophy – even with incurable most cancers. Strike that…particularly with incurable most cancers. I must reside as onerous as I can proper now as a result of my subsequent mind MRI is scheduled for shortly after I return. Somebody in my place can’t get off the treadmill of dwelling in three-month intervals between scans and labwork and medical doctors’ appointments. The potential of being struck down at any level nonetheless lingers near the floor of the whole lot I do, so I’m virtually throwing myself at life.
The jarring whiplash of existence with an incurable illness once I’m feeling fairly good proper now could be agonizing. Is it incurable or terminal? What’s the proper terminology? Folks in my writing retreat this week requested why I exploit the phrase incurable when chances are high that I’ll die from this illness. That phrase selection is intentional. It’s simpler to reside once I say incurable, a lot because it’s simpler to reside once I say remission fairly than NED (no proof of illness). Some in my place would by no means use the “R” world to clarify their present state. The truth is an NED standing is a snap-shot in time, and the assessments used to find out that standing can’t see right down to most cancers cells smaller than 8 mm, so there very effectively may very well be some harmful little buggers nonetheless swimming round in my physique, ready for my immune system to drop its surveillance, or stressors to mount to a degree the place the barrier has worn down they usually can take maintain once more. In a method, I exploit the phrase remission as an phantasm of management. Illusions imply the whole lot. I select to consider I’m cancer-free. I select to consider I can reside a full and fulfilling life regardless of my bodily disabilities. I select to reside.
I got here to Costa Rica to participate in a writing retreat with my pal and fellow hiker Anish (aka Heather Anderson) and to discover my e-book concepts with the opposite contributors. One thing that saved surfacing once I noodled on my memoir, was that I refuse to function from a spot of concern – the concern that might maintain me from absolutely participating in life. I refuse to present in to the concern that would maintain me at residence, wrapped in bubble wrap, as an alternative of strolling the seaside looking for sea turtles and dodging crocodiles within the close by estuary. That’s not how I’m selecting to reside.
I’m selecting to reside, particularly after watching Andrea Gibson’s documentary yesterday, Come See me within the Good Gentle. That movie highlighted the fragility of what we’re coping with right here. If Andrea can die three years after the primary prognosis, then so can I. Cognitive dissonance then reared its head once I learn an enlightening Substack put up by Oncologist Daniel Flora, When the Finish Doesn’t Come, about how many people with incurable cancers live far past their preliminary life expectancy and enter a sort of limbo the place we all know we is likely to be like Andrea, however we additionally may reside for 20 extra years. WTF? Are you able to think about dwelling the remainder of your life pondering that you simply is likely to be given a demise sentence each three months? Even if you find yourself feeling good? Welcome to my world.
Jenny (or Bumblefoot) and I’ve talked about life in the best way most individuals solely obtain in years-long friendships. That’s the magic of assembly somebody on a protracted path, in another country, or when dwelling with stage-four most cancers, or on this case, all three. She and I each expressed our enjoyment of sitting throughout from each other and discovering out we had a shared expertise. The serendipity of all of it. I relayed a narrative about once I had simply arrived in London for grad faculty and was very unsure that I had made the proper resolution. I sought out refuge from my oscillating feelings on a go to to the Museum of London. I walked within the door and was greeted by a type of life-sized cardboard cut-outs you could put your face into. The cutout? He-Man, thrusting his sword into the air, calling upon the ability of grayskull, very like I had achieved the earlier yr on the highest of Blood Mountain on the Appalachian Path once I obtained the path title She-ra. Nicely, that museum exhibit and foolish picture I took with my face shoved within the cardboard cutout turned an indication that I used to be in the proper place in the proper time. I gave myself permission to comply with the breadcrumbs of my curiosity and absolutely put money into life in London. I really feel the identical method about Costa Rica, not simply because I used to be attending to study from Heather and her course of in writing three books about thru-hiking (heads up, you should buy her new e-book Farther now), but additionally as a result of the principle facilitator, Johanna Garton, grew up near me in Wisconsin. I went to high school in Waupaca, and he or she, 40 miles away in Appleton. I reside for these coincidences. I reside for these breadcrumbs. Coming to Costa Rica and investing on this retreat means I’m heading in the right direction.
So I’m going to proceed trusting the world. Proceed to consider that I can do that, that I can reside a full life regardless of the ache and uncertainty. I hope you may too.
P.S. Johanna has just a few extra writing retreats arising this yr. Soak within the pura vida vibes in Playa Grande and get some wonderful suggestions and route in your writing challenge. Discover out extra right here: Costa Rica Writing/Yoga Retreat
