I’ve had actually good runs of sleep currently, after which there will probably be an evening like tonight the place I can’t get past the primary few hours of fine sleep (I can virtually all the time go to sleep with ease, fortunately!) So right here I’m, earlier than midnight! Gasp. And writing. I’ll most definitely be up for a number of hours after which will return to mattress, however I goal to take pleasure in these few hours, and what higher technique to honor the deep evening than to write down?
I had a profitable chemo session yesterday! I used to be joking with my neighbor Jan throughout the road…we noticed her and her husband Greg on their bikes simply as we had been getting house from my infusion.…joking that we have a good time being wholesome sufficient to get poison injected into our veins. Completely ironic. Jan had her personal brush with most cancers a number of years in the past and is now dwelling life to its fullest. Driving bikes to go get a burger for Greg’s birthday…they’re each about 80! They go snowboarding, Greg makes rock artwork, Jan bikes to yoga, and they’re each very civically concerned. What good function fashions. 🙂 I’m so fortunate to have so many individuals in my life who’re busy dwelling. Who spend each day (or virtually each day) doing precisely what they need with the individuals they love. And sure, that entails these nonetheless working, too. I’ve all the time put emphasis on doing work that I imagine in and that energizes me, and the tip results of dwelling in that method is that I are inclined to encompass myself with others dwelling that manner too. It’s an incredible reward.
In actual fact, once I couldn’t sleep earlier than getting up, I used to be listening to an On Being podcast on simply that topic. Give it a pay attention:
And I really like that each the friends, Atul Gawande and Krista Tippit, gave a nod to Annie Dillard’s quote: “How you reside your days is how you reside your life.” You might have most likely learn it earlier than in my weblog journals. It’s a query I’ve lengthy saved on the heart of my decision-making. I wish to stay as if every day could be full sufficient, joyful sufficient, wealthy sufficient to be my final. Earlier than, it was by no means about loss of life; it was about dwelling a enjoyable, fulfilling, impressed, adventurous life. I’ve had conversations with pals earlier than after they had been deliberating a heavy resolution…I typically say, “There are not any unhealthy selections; some simply could also be extra work than others.” I imagine that. And in addition there’s a lot time! I look again on the 20-year-old me, and I’m so grateful that I threw my hat in with the peace corps. So many individuals put an excessive amount of weight into the job resolution proper out of faculty; it appeared so important that it’ll set the tone for the remainder of your life, however in fact, there’s a lot time. I’ve had 20 completely different careers, and positive, now I can look again and draw the connective thread between all of them (nicely, most of them, I nonetheless get hung up on the steel roofing gig!) and see how all of them make sense. However on the time, they positive didn’t. It was following my curiosity and looking for to study one thing from every expertise. By taking over the place of scholar in my jobs, I used to be normally in a position to acquire a ability that could possibly be used in a while, after which it typically was simpler to know when it was time to maneuver on. Goal full, subsequent! What else is on the market?
After all, we live in several instances. Generations in the past, individuals saved their jobs for his or her total grownup lives. Granted, in addition they had pensions and a social system and work tradition that invested in them…we don’t have that now, and it’s way more accepted to carry many, many roles….it’s now vital to inform story about how and why you moved round a lot.
Man, I’m nonetheless getting hung up on the entire brief life span with a stage 4 prognosis. I’m additionally nonetheless decided to not let that gradual me down within the “upkeep section” of life after chemo. I additionally notice that once I wrap up this primary spherical, it is perhaps the primary of a number of chemo cycles, however hopefully, there will probably be lengthy phases of upkeep in between the place I can stay a semi-normal life. It’s arduous to completely conceptualize, although. I began seeing a brand new PT who focuses on oncology sufferers, and he or she was encouraging me to think about my every day vitality battery as having a finite life. Even strolling slower will assist preserve the battery, so stroll slower, try to solely have one physician’s appointment a day….to be very conservative with my vitality so I’m not completely toast on the finish of the day. And I’ve been. I are inclined to stay my finest life earlier than midday or early afternoon after which retire to the bed room to nap and relaxation the rest of the day. Can I get higher about spreading my vitality out? Will I’ve extra vitality when the chemo is finished? I’m not working, however I’m nonetheless chair of the Oregon Trails Coalition board (though I’m about to deliver on a co-chair to assist share the duties, which will probably be an enormous assist!), and I’m additionally volunteering to assist help Oregon Desert Path hikers. I’ve tended to ODT hikers for 9 years, and I can’t cease now! A minimum of whereas I’ve vitality. Finiate vitality. After which the books, studying the books you all have despatched me. I attempt to find time for that! I simply began Mike Beaty’s suggestion, Ursula Okay. Le Guin’s Earthsea collection (thanks Mike, loving it up to now!) and a complicated copy of a e-book that Snorkle despatched in regards to the queerness of nature (fasinating!) and have one other on deck, Thirty Beneath, a narrative of the primary all-women’s ascent of Denali that my good friend Lori, or Shake N Bake despatched me, AND I simply obtained a quantity of poetry within the mail yesterday by an unnamed gifter, Marge Piercy’s Made in Detroit. Thanks stranger!
So many books to learn, so little time.
How do I wish to spend my days? Studying! Strolling, visiting with family and friends, spending time with Kirk, netflix and chill (with popcorn), and journey…and thankfully I do have journey on deck. I’m feeling fairly wealthy proper now. Wealthy in life (to not be mistaken with cash…)
I really like the joy of a visit arising. I hold including issues to my packing checklist, issues I wish to deliver to Madison, issues that I wish to do in Madison.
I’ll be seeing certainly one of my childhood finest pals, Jasmine. Our homes had been inside biking distance from one another within the countryside of Almond. I might bike her house, then she would bike me house, and I might bike her house and vice versa. We may spend entire afternoons doing that, making enjoyable of our brothers who favored to bike in circles on the intersections of our roads “turkey vultures” we might cry out as we peddled previous. Once we weren’t biking forwards and backwards we is perhaps climbing bushes, or making forts within the cornfield, exploring the woods behind her home or mine, or making up ice skating routines within the yard ice rink her dad would make with the backyard hose when it was chilly sufficient to maintain for some time. AND Jasmine hiked the PCT a number of years in the past! Kirk and I drove out to fulfill her and her companion at an Oregon trailhead close to Mt. Hood. I introduced loads of meals and beer, after all, and we marveled that two of us from Almond, Wisconsin, had been PCT hikers. Find it irresistible.
Then I’m going to see all the chums which can be really attending the convention, like Allgood (my birthday brother…he’s a June ‘77 child identical to me, though I’m a number of days older). He simply obtained a job with the mountaineering app Far Out and will probably be attending on their behalf. Then there’s Steph and Chelsea and Jodi, and doubtless a lot extra from the Oregon Trails Coalition, after which there will probably be all the opposite people I met at path conferences over the previous few years. Thrilling!
Then I’ll cap off the week with a go to from some highschool pals who’re driving up from Central Illinois. All of us graduated from Dunlap Excessive in ‘95, and as luck would have it, they simply got here out to Bend final summer season for my birthday! Kelly, Melissa, Celena and Hanna obtained to see Bend for the primary time, and we’ll get to hang around once more…fairly a transferring factor as a result of all of us misplaced Missy lower than two years in the past to lung most cancers. We’ll miss Carrie, our different highschool bud who’s again in Bend (she moved right here about 8 years in the past), however I’m spoiled; I get to see Carrie on a regular basis 🙂
To clarify the highest picture a bit….we drove as much as Elk Lake to have lunch that day once we pulled over for this picture opp with Mt. Bachelor. NEMO despatched me a she-ra crown for my birthday, and Kirk gave me some loppers, so I needed to carry each round and pose as a lot as attainable 🙂
So once more, how do I wish to stay my days? With pals! Doing enjoyable issues!
The therapist I’ve been seeing even urged to ask myself what this most cancers yr (years?) has allowed me to do, and if I’m sincere, I’ve been in a position to refine my life all the way down to the very necessities: spending time with individuals I really like: Kirk, pals & household; studying; writing; and journey. And perhaps it’s okay to be grateful? Oh man, that’s a tough one. To be pleased about the most cancers whereas additionally combating the most cancers. It’s a sophisticated dynamic we now have occurring for positive.
Keep in mind to join my party on June 8 in Corvallis Oregon!
For more information on my most cancers and methods to assist out try my Go Fund Me and my meal prepare or ship me some mail! 20 NW Hixon Ave., Bend OR 97703.
