How am I doing? Let’s see. It’s the final day of 2025. It’s the eve-eve of my subsequent PET scan, or the primary PET scan since my most cancers has been in remission. I’m not doing effectively. In a approach, my remission has been haunting me, particularly fiercely the previous month or so.
I’ve been dismal and down on this season of laughter and pleasure, however I’ve been excessive too…these feelings rollercoaster by me, generally on an hourly foundation, the place I might be delighted and hopeful, adopted by a deep sorrow that drips off me and weighs my physique in heaviness.
Ask me to my face, and sure, I’m doing superb, “Grateful to be right here!” I reply cheerfully. To a couple, I’ll say, “I’m struggling,” like when Kirk comes house to search out me in tears and simply enfolds me in a giant hug. To myself, I say, “What’s the level?” I’m discovering this listlessness is manifesting in me forgetting to take my meds. I’ll have breakfast or lunch after which understand two hours later that my pillbox remains to be full. I hurriedly eat a handful of nuts or a spoonful of peanut butter to melt the touchdown of the gel caps on my abdomen lining.
I’m haunted. Haunted by what these subsequent few scans will reveal.
If the scans present there are not any new growths, then I’ve to just accept that the rising ache and discomfort I’ve been feeling over the past month is both in my creativeness or my physique nonetheless coming to phrases with being irreparably broken.
If the scans present there are new growths, possibly it’s a reduction? Then these subsequent months can be a collection of appointments, and I don’t must assume an excessive amount of. I’ll simply must go together with it and renew my low-sugar, low-processed meals habits.
It’s like I’m simply now determining tips on how to dwell with this illness, and it’s not going easily. I do know all of the methods and instruments: go for a stroll, get espresso with a good friend, learn a e book, go to yoga, inform Kirk and my closest mates the reality, take a shower. And all of it works, for a short time. It pulls me up and out of the funk, however now it appears my default state is within the muck when earlier than it was within the air, floating on thermals above the fray.
And there was pleasure….actually, there was – islands of happiness, or simply plain contentedness.
Christmas with my mother and brother.
Dan and I strolling alongside the Lake Martin swamp the place we noticed an enormous gator sunning himself on a log.
Brooke and Adryon assembly us for dinner and my first sip of a Pink Chair beer in just a few years.
Carrie giving me a make-over.
Marina having us over for quiche and cheesecake.
Cross nation snowboarding once more.
Kirk purchased me new cross-country skis with metallic edges for Christmas. They’re fairly a luxurious as I’ve solely ever owned garage-sale skis from many years previous. We took them out to our favourite snow park the day after I obtained house from Louisiana; the solar on my face, and the quiet swooshing of the skis within the tracks had been a balm to my overthinking mind.
Earlier than we left the car parking zone, I couldn’t appear to recollect how my ski boots labored. It had solely been two years since I had skied final, however it was like I had by no means worn these boots earlier than. Seems I had grabbed Kirk’s boots, which I had in truth, by no means worn earlier than. Ha! I can nonetheless snicker at myself. The snowboarding was good, till it wasn’t. It seems that I can’t use my left pole, and I can’t go uphill. The strain of the poles, particularly when attempting to climb something, hurts my left shoulder an excessive amount of. The truth is, 4 days after the final ski, my neck and shoulders are so sore that I’m taking every day ache meds once more. Is that this most cancers? Or is that this snowboarding for the primary time in two years?
Preserve going. I simply have to inform myself to maintain going.
Perhaps the strain valve that’s questioning my broken physique can be launched after these subsequent scans, after which I can maintain going. I’ve various issues I wish to do within the new 12 months, however am ready for these scans to make any plans… I wish to be grateful, however I’m not positive tips on how to really feel most days. Typically my morning stroll can be sufficient to trick my mind into being hopeful, and I come house and make my smoothie of broccoli sprouts, spinach, ginger root, flax, chia, hemp seeds, nuts, and strawberries, however generally the hope masks itself in feeling regular and takes me to the bakery the place I stand in line for one thing candy.
I examine different mountain climbing choices: llamas! I may hike with llamas! Or do a car-supported hike, as many individuals do on lengthy trails once they meet mates or household at street crossings, the automotive crammed with tenting gear, water, and meals. Or I may do one other Camino – I’ve already began outlining what the Camino Ingles would appear like. Or faucet the chums who mentioned the would sherpa for me. Oh, after which there are the carts. I requested Reddit about mountain climbing with carts, and after quite a lot of “you’re silly for asking that query,” I obtained just a few useful replies, however in the end I feel carts work greatest on pavement, and that’s not the sort of mountain climbing I’m hoping to do proper now.
Is that this clinging to mountain climbing an unwillingness to surrender the final 24 years of my life when mountain climbing was my all and all the things? Most likely. I used to be a kind of fortunate few who discovered what lit them up inside, who discovered what I wished to do for the remainder of my life, who discovered true freedom and function in a life lived on path. I’m not fairly keen to present that up, which can be, or in all probability is, on the root of my despair.
There are a lot of disabled people who proceed to hike: Invoice Irwin hiked blind. Wheelchair Bob is out on the PCT on a regular basis, and a neighborhood good friend, Geoff Babb, even invented the Advenchair, an all-terrain wheelchair, so he may nonetheless get round after his stroke. Climbing with a incapacity takes extra time and extra effort, however it’s doable. It’s doable. It’s doable.
Oh, the trouble although. I’m getting caught up within the effort of doing all of the “proper” issues to assist mitigate my physique feeling like a 500-pound elephant sinking into the ocean. Part of me is aware of I’ll get by this, and should even return to my resting disposition within the clouds. Part of me is aware of letting myself really feel the sentiments often is the solely approach by, and part of me must maintain discovering the trouble that results in small joys.
This isn’t a cry for assist, I’ve finished that already. That is an effort to be actual with you about these “How am I doing?” questions.
I suppose the subsequent replace can be within the aftermath of my PET scan, mind MRI, and labs. I’ll be a very completely different particular person then.
Some happiness currently:
